A little independence goes a long way

Experiential learning is not a new term for most parents. However, not many will allow their children to try and solve their everyday problems on their own.

One of the reasons is that parents think their children will become unhappy when faced with failure. They believe that if their children have more successful experiences, they will become more confident facing their challenges when they grow up.

But psychologists and researchers have found that children, especially those aged between three to six, require more room to explore and more autonomy in handling their problems.

Children use their own knowledge and abilities to carry out plans and often feel excited and challenged when these plans fail.

What parents should do is help them understand the difficulties that they are facing and guide them through the hard times when they fail. Encourage your children to modify their plans and ask them what you can do to help make their plans better.

The decision must be made by your children. Do not override their decision. If they suggest weird ideas or solutions to the problem, allow them to try - as long as the ideas will not harm them.

Learning from their own experiences is the best way for children to learn. They enjoy the satisfaction of completing tasks that they had failed in before.

Many parents stop their children from trying again after they fail the first time and start instructing their children on the correct way to accomplish tasks.

If they are frequently stopped, children may feel fed up - as they will think what they were doing was wrong. Eventually, they become pessimistic and reluctant to try new things.

As children grow up, they will have to make a lot of decisions without the help of their parents. Some will experience fear, worry and stress when asked to make decisions or work in a team with other children - a cause of behavioral and emotional problems in some.

Children are also individuals like you and me. You will not feel happy or respected if somebody always shuns your ideas and prevents you from trying - and your children won't either.

Allow children to test their abilities, respect their choices and be open to what they are doing. Children will feel safe with your support and gain confidence after achieving their goals.

Be open-minded and allow your children to try. The result will be much more rewarding than over-protecting them and preventing them from failing.

Dr Kyle Lam is the president of the Hong Kong Psychotherapy Association. He specializes in helping people who face difficulties in their families, workplace, relationships, study and daily life.