Love in apps age: easy to find, tough to maintain

Three boyfriends three heartbreaks. A millennial found out the hard way that online dating can suck.

It was easy enough for bank officer Joanna, 30, to match up with dream boyfriends on dating apps. But after five years of seeking "the one" she realized love does not make the world go round.

Dating apps are popular among millennials born in the 1990s and zoomers or Generation Z who developed in the internet age.

A spokeswoman from platform Coffee Meets Bagel told The Standard that nearly 660,000 Hong Kong profiles - with most having at least a bachelor's degree and 91 percent seeking serious relationships - have been created since the app was set up in 2012. Over 26 million matches have been made among local users.

Meanwhile, Tinder, an app also used widely in Hong Kong, says more than half of people who log on from 190 countries are 18 to 25 years old.

Recalling her dating app history, Joanna said: "I find I easily get affectionate through online chats. There were times I've fallen in love even before a meeting."

Joanna's first boyfriend from Tinder ghosted her after they first had sex three months into their relationship.

She matched up with her second boyfriend on Tinder, but after they became a couple she discovered he had kept using the app "to meet friends."

Joanna eventually turned to Coffee Meets Bagel after a year of getting herself together, which was when she found she had commitment issues.

"My heart still raced easily after chatting for some time," she said. "But I also worried a lot about whether he treats our relationship as serious or if he's looking for casual sex too."

After two months of dating Joanna's match-up asked her to become his girlfriend, and she said yes despite a sense of insecurity.

"We deleted the app together, wanting to work hard to maintain our relationship. But I couldn't help downloading the app again to stalk his profile and see whether he had been active on the app recently.

"When he found out what I'd done he showed me his phone to prove his innocence. But he broke up with me because he was stressed by my insecurities."

Joanna continues to try her luck on platforms but is learning to take things easy.

Yet true love can be found on dating apps.

Lawyer Rachel, 32, will be marrying her boyfriend of four years, Tom, in September after they teamed up on Coffee Meets Bagel in late 2018.

Before meeting Tom she had used dating apps for four years but not found Mr Right. Then she met Tom, who also works in the legal sector.

"I'd lost most of my hopes," she said. "But we matched and he asked me out after chatting for a week. I thought I could give it a go as my last chance before taking a break from apps.

"But we hit it off on our first date and got together naturally after some time."

Rachel admitted they spent longer than most couples who meet directly to understand each other's personality and habits, and through "little fights and arguments" they sorted out a way to sustain their relationship.

"It definitely takes time to go from being in contact with a complete stranger to them being the most intimate person in your life," she said.

"I think dating apps are very useful for people whose social circles are limited to family, work and friends from school. It's a convenient way to get to know people."

Counselor Edward Man Kin-pong from United Personal and Family Counselling Centre told The Standard he has seen more clients with the rise of dating apps.

"The most common frustration is that people found a boyfriend or girlfriend still using dating apps after they officially got into a relationship," he said. "Another is that some consider the apps as platforms to look for casual sex, which creates a sense of insecurity in couples who meet on apps."

People with low self-confidence are more prone to insecurities and a lack of trust in a relationship with someone they matched on apps, Man said.

"People meeting online have zero common friends. They may live totally opposite lives," he said.

"But they could have developed affection for each other through online chats and committed to a relationship after just one to two dates, when the foundation is not solid. Deep down they worry they can easily be replaced by someone else on the app."

He advises app users to take things slowly and during dates observe the other person's personality, moral values and communication style to determine if a long-term relationship can work.

"It's not like you're a customer buying a product," he said. "It's not always good even if he or she ticks all your boxes for appearance and occupation. You need much more for a stable relationship."

Meanwhile, many couples are spending their first post-pandemic Valentine's Day on romantic trips.

But vendors at Mong Kok flower market said they are disappointed as sales of bouquets have not returned to pre-Covid levels. They felt, in fact, that it was even worse than last year when most Hongkongers stayed home.

jane.cheung@singtaonewscorp.com