Fourteen months after a debilitating breakup I realize things need to change. So I recently embarked on a research journey. Heartbreak, I discovered, is a subject of scientific inquiry, with researchers plumbing the effects and mysteries surrounding a loss.
Experts have found that breakups, especially a difficult, unexpected one can burrow deep into our subconscious. Everyone knows they hurt, but science shows they can alter our bodies as well as our minds.
"People suffer," said Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist who has done extensive studies on heartbreak. "And they suffer for a while."
More than 400 days after the breakup, I haven't had more than three consecutive hours of sleep. That's not completely unexpected, say researchers.
"Heartbreak," said Guy Winch, who has written multiple books on healing and heartache, "is one of the most painful experiences we go through as people." No wonder he called heartbreak "a form of disenfranchised grief," and one society does not take seriously.
I have no shortage of friends who have shared tales of tragedy they view as more significant than the dissolution of my engagement. So much so that I started to think I was abnormal. Fisher assured me I wasn't.
Simply "moving on" - a rite of passage that can involve some combination of therapy, ice cream, binge watching, alcohol and time - is a myth.
"We've been able to prove that when you are rejected in love, you are in an addicted state," Fisher said.
How addicted? Heartbreak activates the same region of the brain triggered by, say, heroin. These areas of the brain are active when we're happy in love, too, and can remain on high alert long after a breakup.
Researchers studying heartbreak also found activity in a brain region that registers physical pain.
"Physical changes in your body are real and they are happening," said Florence Williams, author of Heartbreak: A Personal and Scientific Journey, a lauded text on the subject. "If we don't recover from heartbreak, we will get sick. Urgency is critical, because healing does not just happen."
Looks like I'll need more than ice cream.
Physical pain
"You got it bad," David Sbarra, a professor of psychology at the University of Arizona, wrote to me.
That wasn't an official diagnosis, but considering Sbarra has made heartache his primary field of study for more than two decades, it carried weight. He's published multiple papers that link divorce with health risks, including an elevated chance of early death.
"Psychological stress," said Sbarra, can wreak havoc on multiple parts of the body. But Sbarra assured me I was within the "normative range for adaptation," or the expected time it takes to get back to normal, which can be up to two years for a particularly painful separation.
But Sbarra also pointed to a study that found that ruminating incessantly over a breakup can lead to long-term lack of sleep and increase one's resting blood pressure.
For instance, separated adults may experience a disruption in how their heart rate is regulated, a stress response Sbarra likened "to releasing the brake on your car" while going downhill. It could lead to an "increased risk of a cardiovascular event among people without cardiovascular disease."
The rejected brain
A pivotal 2010 study from Fisher and her peers analyzed brain activity that occurred when a heartbroken person viewed a picture of their former partner, versus a neutral party. Some study subjects were just removed from their romantic partnership; others were separated for about 17 months.
I had revealed to Fisher that I have a habit of looking at pictures of my former partner and me, and though this ritual leaves me sad, during it I find myself smiling, sometimes even laughing.
There's science behind this behavior. "We found activity in a tiny little factory near the base of the brain known as the ventral tegmental area," Fisher said.
"That brain region makes dopamine and sends dopamine to many brain regions. That's what gives you elation, the focus, the motivation and the craving of intense romantic love. We also found activity in the brain region linked with deep attachment. Just because you've been dumped, you're still in love."
And there's more.
"We also found activity in three brain regions linked with craving and addiction," Fisher said.
And if the person we thought we would spend the rest of our life with is suddenly removed, we are going to crave that person, and think about little else. This is when Fisher gave me some tough love.
"Throw them out," she said of the photos of us on my phone. "If you want to give up alcohol, you don't keep a bottle of vodka on your desk." And if I couldn't toss the photos, I should stop looking at them. "All you're doing is re-traumatizing yourself."
Weaning off the drug
Let's run with the addiction metaphor. "One of the things that we've historically done with addiction is to try to get people off heroin and onto something else that feeds the addiction but is less toxic," said Steve Cole, a professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at the UCLA School of Medicine.
Cole wonders, then, what is the methadone equivalent for a broken heart?
For many, it's jumping back into the dating pool, the so-called "rebound." But this is risky. As Cole puts it, you're still living the heartbreak, and while individual results will vary, I found attempts at dating left me feeling empty.
If you happen to be one of the estimated 15 percent of people who don't recover in a year or two and fall into a near-permanent state of loneliness?
In simplified terms, a potentially "overly explosive inflammatory response." Our body goes into hyper-drive in creating certain kinds of white blood cells, specifically those fighting bacteria.
You will, Williams warned me, get sick.
As Naomi Eisenberger, a professor of psychology at UCLA, put it, a robust immune response is "a first line of defense against foreign agents, but chronically high levels of inflammation are implicated in a bunch of chronic diseases. Pick one. Cardiovascular disease. Diabetes. Certain kinds of cancer."
It may be possible to accelerate the healing of a broken heart. Williams theorizes we can speed up our heartbreak recovery by about 25 or 30 percent. That's worth it, especially "if it's going to keep you from having an autoimmune disease."
Williams gave me a three-pronged prescription.
The first recommendation? Calm.
"Get your body out of fight-or-flight, which is where it is when you feel abandoned and afraid of the future. You are hyper-vigilant. Calm down, however you do that, whether it's through video games or yoga or taking hot baths."
The second? Connection. "That can be connecting to nature," Williams said, "but also connecting to other people who care about you and who you care about."
The third? This can be a little more abstract. We must, said Williams, find a sense of purpose, especially if, like me, the relationship became your purpose.
"What meaning can you make?" Williams said. "You have a reason to get out of bed every day, and you feel you have a contribution to make."
As Cole put it, a sense of purpose reprioritizes your brain. "It tells the stress section of your brain: 'Throttle back on that. We have good work to do. Don't send out fight-or-flight messages to the bone marrow and produce immune cells.'"
Simply moving on now seems like an old-fashioned idea. We've been permanently changed.
Again, I return to Joni Mitchell: "Something's lost, but something's gained in living every day."
Los Angeles Times (TNS)
