Epicenters of death turn out otherwise

Between January and March, black-clad protesters (often accompanied by pan-dem politicians) petrol-bombed quarantine centers, barricaded nearby roads, threatened workers and even set one facility on fire.

They accused Hong Kong health officials of turning their districts into "epicenters of death."

Government doctors pressed ahead regardless. The result?

Fresh statistics show that local quarantine centers worked really well.

Of all the people who stayed there, 84 were found to have (non-lethal) cases of coronavirus, 4,400 were released virus-free, and the number of cases seen to have spread to surrounding districts was zero.

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Turning to the financial front, it seems obvious to me that this is the perfect moment to clear out one of your bedrooms and fill it with barrels of oil.

But how does one get the wife on side?

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A reader named Sharmaline sent this picture of a tuk-tuk taxi in Sri Lanka. I can't see how this would inspire confidence in passengers.

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Readers with a sense of humor helped compose this list of advisory rules for anyone who plans to stage an anti-government protest on Friday in defiance of the law (keeping in mind that nine out of 10 "peaceful" marches became violent last year).

1) Please riot individually leaving at least 1.5 meters (4 ft 11 inches) between other rioters.

2) Before throwing a petrol bomb, wash your hands for 20 seconds.

3) Avoid touching the eyes, nose, and mouth - of the mainland immigrants whose faces you are smashing in.

4) When burning down restaurants, you may find yourself coughing. If it is a dry cough, call your doctor.

5) When engaged in hand-to-hand combat with a riot control officer, suggest to him that you both use elbows only.

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Government officials have signed deals with local entrepreneurs for 20 assembly lines producing 42 million masks a month.

Export is forbidden, so that's more than half a BILLION face masks every year just for this city.

Start thinking of extra uses now.

Mask-filled duvets? Mask-based bikinis? Mask fricassee with ginger and garlic?

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Doctors accidentally left a small metal nut inside a patient, a Hong Kong Hospital Authority report revealed.

Luckily, a post-operation x-ray revealed it - and nurses wheeled the patient back into the operating theater to be opened up again.

PATIENT: "I thought I was done?"

DOCTOR: "Nut quite."

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Risk-averse people are growing or catching their own foods. One Hong Kong man caught a fish and cooked it for his dinner last Thursday, the health department said.

Unfortunately, it turned out to be a pufferfish, and he ended up in intensive care.

Do not eat "unknown fish," a spokesman said. The goddess of irony strikes again.

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Some far-flung Hong Kong residents struggling to get back here deserve sympathy. But not all.

SOME RESIDENTS IN JANUARY: "You can stay in dangerous Hong Kong and get China virus if you like, suckers, I'm outta here. Bye!"

THE SAME RESIDENTS IN APRIL: "I'm furious because I feel Chinese embassy staff in India/Europe/Africa are not working hard enough to fly me back to the safety of Hong Kong."

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Message to lovers of Macau: Sorry lads, the casinos are deserted. So if you really need to get a gambling fix, I suggest you go bar-hopping with Tanya Chan.

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