''I still love him,'' she said during cross-examination at the High Court.

''He was my husband.''

When prosecutor Peter Chapman began his questioning about her husband's alleged ``abusive behavior'' towards their children, Kissel replied in her most emotional state yet: ``I'm not trying to paint a bad picture of him, because I loved him and he was not a bad husband, and I still love him. He was my husband, he was my husband,'' she repeated.

At this point, Justice Michael Lunn suggested a short recess.

During cross-examination, the prosecution attempted to press home the point that Kissel did not tell her family or friends about the alleged history of sexual abuse she had suffered.

The prosecution also suggested that the accused had not mentioned her husband's alleged acts of sodomy and cocaine use when she spoke to doctors and counselors because ``there was nothing to tell'' or ``because it wasn't happening.''

Kissel's chief psychiatrist, Dr Henry Yuen - who had previously reported that the accused was mentally stable with no suicidal tendencies and who had made no mention of memory loss - was not granted permission by the defendant to testify at the trial.

Kissel, in her fifth day in the witness box, was subjected to another grilling about her alleged memory loss and her failure to make concrete reports to friends, family, doctors or the police during the five years she said she was abused.

Since the beginning of her testimony last week, the crowds have swelled to an extent that, Monday, two crowd-control marshals were employed to ensure no more than 10 people were standing in the courtroom. There was also a note saying those who left their seats might have to queue for re-entry into the courtroom.

In replying to the prosecution's questions, Kissel said her husband's confidante, Bryna O'Shea, would not listen to anything bad about him and that members of the expatriate community in Hong Kong did not like to hear about such issues.

``The alternative, Mrs Kissel, is that there was nothing to tell,'' said Peter Chapman, senior assistant director of public prosecutions.

When asked by Chapman to elaborate on her husband's ``abusive behavior'' towards their children, the defendant said she only noted isolated incidents of violence.

She then said she still loved him.

Kissel is accused of serving her husband a pink milkshake laced with sedatives, which left him unconscious at the foot of the bed as she bludgeoned him to death with a heavy metal ornament on November 2, 2003.

His decomposing body was found wrapped in a rug in a locked storeroom at their Parkview residential complex in the early hours of November 7.

Kissel testified last week that she thought her husband was going to kill her on the night in question while they were having a furious argument about divorce and during which he attempted to have sex with her.

In resisting the sex, she knocked him on the head, which resulted in him swinging a baseball bat at her while repeatedly saying: ``I'm going to kill you, you bitch.''

She later accepted that she had inflicted the fatal wounds, but said she could not remember further details about the fight or her consequent actions.

Chapman pointed out Monday that, during her bail application in November 2004, her instructing solicitor, her close friends and her chief psychiatrist, Dr Yuen, had made affirmations that they thought she did not suffer from any psychiatric illness.

Using the transcripts of that bail hearing, Chapman noted there was no suggestion by anyone that she suffered from memory loss.

He also quoted from her then-senior counsel, John Griffiths, who said: ``She is visited monthly by a psychiatrist and there has been no suggestion by him that she is in need of any help.

``So, a person with dissociative amnesia doesn't need help?'' asked Chapman.

Kissel replied she was not in a position to comment on psychiatric terms.

``I suggest to you, Mrs Kissel, that the reason for that [not allowing Dr Yuen to testify], as disclosed in the transcript by your counsel, Mr Griffiths, is there is absolutely no psychiatric problem with you. Do you agree?'' asked Chapman.

``Yes,'' replied the accused, adding that the psychiatrist's report was given in the context of whether she was psychiatrically fit enough to be granted bail and that, indeed, she did not suffer from schizophrenia or any other disorder covered by the Mental Health Ordinance that would prohibit bail.

``Did you tell Dr Yuen about the cocaine, the sodomy, the suicide attempt?'' the prosecutor asked.

``No, he was mostly interested in my medication and my day-to-day life in Siu Lam [psychiatric center],'' she said, at which point she became emotionally excited.

``They have no idea, they have no idea of what you've been through in your life and you just can't go in there and say, `Hey this is what happened to me','' Kissel said, choking on her words.

She said there were many factors that affected her, such as the language barrier between her and others at Siu Lam and the isolation and loss of her children, but she was only asked specific questions about medication.

``There's nothing psychiatrically wrong with me. I'm not suffering from a mental illness. Depression - yes. Feeling sad, feeling remorseful - yes. Suffering from something tragic - yes,'' she said.

Chapman also noted that, in Dr Yuen's first report - made on Kissel's first day in Siu Lam, November 19, 2003 - he had said that she was conscious and alert, spoke relevantly and coherently and that she had denied she had suicidal ideas. Kissel said she could not be sure what she said on the very first day of admission to Siu Lam.

Pointing out that she had said she was a prominent figure in the Hong Kong International School community and was frequently exposed to public occasions as an ``ambassador'' for the school, Chapman asked why she did not tell about - and why no-one had noticed - the injuries that had allegedly been inflicted during forceful sex.

``I didn't think about approaching anyone,'' she said.

``Because it wasn't happening, Mrs Kissel?'' interrupted Chapman.

Finishing her sentence, she said it was something she was ashamed of and not something a person talked about at the dinner table or during social gatherings.

When Chapman began questioning her husband's alleged ``abusive behavior'' towards the children, Kissel became extremely emotional, saying she was not trying to paint a bad picture of her husband, and that she still loved him.

She said it was during the isolated instances of violence that she became scared.

In relation to one such incident, during a holiday in Phuket, Chapman said: ``Your evidence was that Robert Kissel treated her [younger of two daughters] so forcefully that he broke her arm.''

But according to her domestic helper, also present at the time: ``Her version of events is a whole lot different from yours. Who's making up the story, you or Connie?'' asked Chapman.

``Connie,''she replied.

Conchita Pee Macaraeg [``Connie''] had testified that the arm was broken when the two daughters were playing on the floor and the elder daughter jumped onto the elbow of the younger girl.

Kissel said she believed the arm was broken when her husband became irritated with their playing while he was making a business call.

``We both recall the girls running around everywhere,'' but Connie had said it happened during the day, and Kissel said it was unlikely the children would remain indoors during the day while on holiday.

Chapman then asked why - if Robert Kissel's behavior towards the children had unsettled her - did she allow him to take the two daughters skiing over Christmas 2001, and later left him alone with the children over Christmas 2002.

Kissel replied that, on those occasions, it was not her choice to leave him alone with the daughters.

Earlier, the accused said she only realised after ``putting it together now,'' that her husband ``had a fascination for gay sex.''

Chapman asked: ``This shocking and horrific revelation - has that triggered you to seek medical advice - [an] AIDS test, have you had one [now]?''

``No,'' she replied.

``Because you don't believe it yourself, do you Mrs Kissel,'' suggested Chapman.

Chapman will continue his questioning today before Justice Michael Lunn in the High Court.

albert.wong@singtaonewscorp.com