Video trials open a world of possibilities

Central Station | Nury Vittachi 27 Mar 2020

Hong Kong judges want to do trials by video, as this newspaper reported in a scoop on Tuesday.

Prosecutor: Hello? Is that you, m'lud?

Judge: Yes, yes, you probably don't recognize me without the wig and robes.

Prosecutor: Actually, it was the Disney pyjamas that threw me, your honor.

Here's a tip for video judges from my children: if the person you are pretending to listen to gets really boring, open an extra window and you can play a video without them noticing.

Not sure this is a good idea. I tried it last week. The problem is the movie makes you laugh at all the wrong moments. This could be awkward during a trial.

Prosecutor: And then this vile villain chopped up his victim into tiny, bloody chunks.

Judge: Ha ha ha ha ha! What?

* * *

Last week: Don't sneeze into your hands, sneeze into your elbows!

This week: Don't touch each other's hands, touch each other's elbows!

Ooookaaaay.

* * *

Panicky people seem to have declared their own martial law in villages on Lantau.

They are delivering unsigned notices to foreign-looking people telling them they will be reported to police if they leave homes in Mui Wo or elsewhere.

This has baffled some residents, who are not in self-quarantine or any other sort of isolation.

A child walking a dog was given one. One family found such a notice delivered to their porch. "We have not traveled since 2017 and our household is healthy and well, including the dog," said Claire Graham.

Note to Lantau-ites: don't assume that all foreign-looking people are frequent travellers. Some live there because they can't afford the jet-setter life.

* * *

Canadian John Brebner wrote to former Hong Kong government man Ian Dubin to reveal how he entertains himself now that coronavirus terror is gripping Ottawa.

"What's a solitary bachelor to do during these long days?" John said. "Walking up and down the halls of my apartment building ringing a bell and shouting 'Bring out your dead!' is good for several hours of fun."

* * *

Modern life: My wife puts on a dab of HK$600-a-bottle perfume probably made from rare flowers picked at midnight on remote mountaintops.

And then she goes out to buy food smelling of disinfectant like everyone else.

* * *

Judging by the pictured product, I think some toy manufacturer had stuff left over and just decided to try his luck.

* * *

Hong Kong protesters were energetically reposting an Epoch Times article yesterday "revealing" that millions of people in China are dead from the virus, I heard from reader Tom Guendert. "The seven funeral homes in the city of Wuhan were reported to be burning bodies24 hours a day, seven days a week," the report said.

This is the same newspaper that said the communist party is "the Anti-Christ" that will shortly be "destroyed by God."

* * *

OMG, Prince Charles has the coronavirus: that means he is trapped at his huge luxury mansion in a 21,500-hectare estate with its own river and gardens that reach the horizon and all those private chefs and valets and housekeepers and servants. How will the poor man get by?

* * *

Last month: Boozing at home alone is a sign that you're a sad, pathetic alcoholic.

This month: Boozing at home alone is what heroes do.

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