Life in Hong Kong under black shirt rule

Central Station | 9 Oct 2019

Hong Kong 2020. Carrie Lam Cheng Yuet-ngor has retired. Black shirts rule. MTR travel is illegal. Mask-wearing is compulsory. Starbucks is banned. Only under-40s can vote.

The Joint Coalition of Hong Kong Liberators in the Legislative Council chamber, playing Grand Theft Auto. A distant hammering sound can be heard.

March organizer Jimmy Sham Tsz-kit, now financial secretary, stands up. "I'm going to announce that Hong Kong's GDP has risen from HK$351 billion to HK$2 trillion." He says, grinning. "It hasn't really, but the media swallows any big number I tell them."

The others nod. They know he speaks the truth.

Chief executive Joshua Wong Chi-fung, who is checking his messages, raises his eyebrows as a new e-mail pings into his inbox. "Remember our June letter asking Donald Trump to decolonize Hong Kong from China?" he says. "Well, Mike Pompeo is flying in to start the process."

"Yay!" says Agnes Chow Ting, but she sounds a bit unsure. "I'll tell our people to reopen the airport."

"While we're waiting, let's have all mainlanders in Hong Kong arrested," suggests Ventus Lau Wing-Hong, a hard-line localist who is now secretary for constitutional affairs.

"Great idea," says Joshua. "Wait. We disbanded the police."

The hammering sound on the external doors grows louder.

(Thanks to readers Kali Tsui Ka-wai and Anders Haagen for suggestions about creating a fantasy of how Hong Kong might be if governed by black-shirt leaders.)

* * *

Hong Kong customs officers detained an 85-year-old suspected drug mule, a court heard yesterday.

One cannot help but be reminded of The Mule, the Clint Eastwood movie about a drug smuggler who takes up smuggling in his eighties.

Oh, well, people always say "life-long learning" is a good thing.

* * *

Oddly, there have been six smuggling cases recently involving children aged between two and 11. In one case, a little girl's backpack was stuffed with smuggled items, and in another case, a baby had vast amounts of cigarettes inside her pushchair.

What's up with kids these days?

When I was a child, I thought refusing to finish my broccoli was the most shockingly evil thing a human could do.

* * *

Reader Jimmy Crain spotted this restaurant in Shanghai, which has rejigged Nike's famous slogan.

* * *

Reader Bill Ling has been collecting Hong Kong conspiracy theories. "Even if we limit ourselves to widely spread ones, there are eight biggies in recent days," he said.

1) Banks now have limits on withdrawals! 2) The stock market has been suspended! 3) All Hong Kong citizens' assets are frozen! 4) All offices are shut! 5) Hong Kong has no banknotes left! 6) A secret anti-terrorism base is being built near San Uk Ling! 7) Officials are visiting homes, checking people's right to vote! 8) All schools are shut!

He thinks this is a good thing. "Every fact on black shirt websites is so spectacularly wrong that people will eventually wise up," he said. "Mind you, I said the same thing two months ago."

* * *

No less than 80 sets of traffic lights were destroyed by vandals over the past few days. Electrical engineers working for the Transport Department are baffled.

Why? Traffic lights help everyone and harm no one.

It's a clue to the violent radicals' personal motivations, said reader Tim Russo.

"Traffic lights tell you what you can or can't do. So anarchists hate them."

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