You will need strong coffee to follow this, and aspirin afterwards.

While no state has friends like people do, officials talk of friendly and enemy states. Though oversimplified, a friends/enemies assessment might be easiest to follow, so let's give it a whirl.

America considers the Shiite-dominated, democratically elected Iraqi government a friend. The anti-democratic insurgency in Iraq is almost completely Sunni and supported by two Sunni-dominated dictatorships in Syria and Saudi Arabia.

US policy is to support the development of democracy in the Middle East, particularly in Iraq. So that should make these states US enemies and Iran, a Shiite-dominated semi-democracy helping the majority Iraqi Shiites fight anti-democratic Sunni insurgents, a US friend, right?

Not according to President George WBush. Dictatorial Syria is an enemy because it allegedly helps Sunni insurgents against the Iraqi government. Clear enough. But Iran is doing the opposite. Doesn't that make Iran the enemy of my enemy, and thus my friend?

But Bush considers Shiite-dominated Iran, a friend of the Shiite-dominated Iraqi government, an enemy.

Sunni-dominated Saudi Arabia, on the other hand, has long been proclaimed a US ally. But 15 of 19 hijackers who attacked the United States on 9/11 were Saudis. Saudi Sunnis are assisting Iraqi Sunnis in attacking US troops and the Shiite-dominated Iraqi government.

So if the enemy of my enemy is my friend, but this is not so for Iran, how can the friend of my enemy who attacks me and my friend be my friend?

But Bush argues Saudi Arabia is.

Another Mid-Eastern group, Iraqi Kurds, are friends to America. But the Turks, American allies, regard Kurds as enemies and vice versa. The Iranians are enemies of the Kurds, so the Turks regard Iranians, enemies of their enemies, as friends. Thus Turks treat US allies as enemies and US enemies as friends, so how can they be friends?

But officially, they are.

As Muslims, the Syrians, Iranians, Saudi Arabians and all three factions of Iraqis hate Israelis and regard them as enemies. Democratic Israel has long been supported by US arms and aid, so Muslims attack the United States as friends of their enemy.

But the United States dismisses these sentiments because, it says, Muslim countries are not full democracies while Israel is, and as a fellow democracy, the United States supports Israel. Yet when democratic elections in Palestine return a majority who sees Israelis as enemies, the United States refuses to support the Palestinian democratic government, making its support not a matter of supporting democracy but apparently of supporting Judaism against Islam.

This makes Muslims regard the United States as a friend of their enemy, and thus their enemy. Al-Qaeda, led by Osama bin Laden, who was an American ally against America's Soviet enemy but is now an enemy, explicitly claims this is the basis of enmity. Al- Qaeda, a theocratic Sunni group, hates Shiites and democracy, so it should befriend the majority Sunni dictatorship Syria and be an enemy of Shiite-dominated, semi-democratic Iran.

Yet the opposite is the case. Shiite Iran allegedly shelters al-Qaeda terrorists while Syria kills them.

This explains US-Iran enmity, but not US-Syria enmity.

But if whoever shelters al-Qaeda is a US enemy, why is Pakistan considered a US friend?

Pakistan has agreed with its pro-al- Qaeda, pro-Taleban border tribes not to enter or permit US forces to attack their territory. This makes them shelterers of US enemies. The democratically elected Afghan government has even become hostile to the dictatorship in Pakistan for sheltering its enemies, the Taleban and al-Qaeda.

Since Pakistan is enemy to Afghanistan, America's ally, they are enemies of our friends and friends of our enemies, so they must be enemies, right?

Apparently not. India has been repeatedly attacked by Islamic terrorists like the United States, so they should be friends. Pakistan shelters terrorists who attack India, Afghanistan, Iraq and the United States. But the United States has tilted repeatedly in Pakistan's favor when India and Pakistan have fought.

If you are totally confused by now, you join me, friend.

As my wife's Appalachian ancestors used to say, if you find yourself between a Hatfield and a McCoy - two famously feuding families - get out of the way.

Picking friends and enemies among these feuds and historic Mid-East disputes leads to demonstrable incoherence. It just makes everyone doubt outsiders' intentions.