Wednesday, February 10, 2010   


Chainsaw often the kindest cut for failed screwdriver surgery

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

ADVERTISEMENT

We interrupt this newspaper to bring you some important medical information. Do NOT perform surgery on yourself with a screwdriver. Trust me: it's a bad idea. ALWAYS use a hammer and chisel.

This useful information came from reader Sunita Chau. She sent me a recent newspaper clipping about a gentleman in China suffering from leg pain. He decided to save money by operating on himself with a screwdriver.

I suspect that his previous understanding of the phrase "leg pain" was nothing compared to his post-operative understanding of that phrase. (Doctors later fixed his leg).

But this story is shocking for other reasons, too. China is a communist country. How come he can't afford medical bills? There shouldn't BE any. If he had been in a capitalist country, he would have been treated for nothing. Is the world crazy or what?

But back to the subject of surgery using household items. In an old issue of Popular Mechanics, I read the story of Oscar Taylor, football coach of the University of California. In 1909, he twice operated on a growth in his nose using a hammer and chisel. Sadly, the third time he tried it, he whacked the chisel too hard and it went into his brain, killing him. But the tradition he started continues. Just last year, a young carpenter in the United States avoided paying doctors by using a Stanley knife to extract a two centimeter splinter of wood from his abdomen. If he ever gets a bigger splinter in his tummy, he can just get out his chainsaw.

Now, if you really want to do medical operations on yourself, but don't fancy using sharp metal objects, there's something else in your toolbox you can use: superglue. It has been successfully used in thousands of operations.

But be warned. It also has its dangers. Who can forget Britain's John Bloor who mistook superglue for hemorrhoid cream and sealed his bottom shut? At the time, a doctor warned of death from intestinal blockage. What about death from embarrassment? I reckon that would happen long before his intestine even noticed anything was wrong.

Allegations that the tale is an urban legend are pointless, since there are so many similar well- documented ones. In 2005, a Pittsburgh man broke up with a woman he had dated for 10 months and had his buttocks glued together. Meryl Streep in Fatal Attraction had NOTHING on this gal.

One guy told me it must be medical superglue applied by doctors. But a hiker told me that he always carries ordinary superglue with him. I mean, where are you going to find a hospital supplies store and a team of surgeons halfway up a mountain? If the hiker gets a laceration, he just cleans the wound, pinches the skin flaps together and seals it with superglue. "The cut heals and the stuff comes off by itself in a few days," he said.

But just remember one thing. Don't use a screwdriver for any type of operation, okay? Save time. Go straight for the chainsaw.

Send ideas and comments via www.mrjam.org


© 2010 The Standard, The Standard Newspapers Publishing Ltd..
Contact Us | About Us | Newsfeeds | Subscriptions | Print Ad. | Online Ad. | Street Pts

 


Home | Top News | Local | Business | China | ViewPoint | CityTalk | World | Sports | People | Central Station | Features

The Standard

Trademark and Copyright Notice: Copyright 2005, The Standard Newspaper Publishing Ltd., and its related entities. All rights reserved.  Use in whole or part of this site's content is prohibited.   Use of this Web site assumes acceptance of the
Terms of Use and Copyright Policy.  Please also read our Ethics Statement.