That was when a friend urged me to sign up for Facebook so I could swap messages with him. I said: "But I can already swap messages with you. You sit next to me."

He said: "Ah, but you can use Facebook to tell me what books, movies and music you like." I told him: "But you already know what books, movies and music I like." He rolled his eyes, a good way to escape from a difficult question.

Eve should have used it in Eden. Pilate could have used it in Jerusalem. I told my friend social networks were a fad for brainless, idle, decadent people who wanted to waste their lives swapping trivia. He replied: "You say that like it's a bad thing."

But there was no fighting it. Most of my friends would rather be tortured to death by vicious underground terrorist groups like al- Qaeda, or the US Republican Party, than be one minute late signing up for the latest craze.

So we signed up as Facebook friends. The next day, a friend of his joined our little group, and then a friend of his friend, and then a friend of his friend's friend.

The following week, a small child at a school where I had given a talk asked to be added to my friend list. Who could refuse? He was so sweet. So I clicked yes. BIG mistake. He promptly told the rest of his class. Next day, nine of his friends joined the list. You can't say yes to one kid and no to the rest. So I gulped down my misgivings and clicked yes to all of them. Following day, 18 more people from the school signed up to my list.

This was getting out of hand, so I hid from my Facebook account for a couple of weeks. This was also a mistake. When I logged on again, two weeks later, I had 82 people waiting in a queue to be signed up. Several of them had bitter comments on their pages, such as "Why hasn't he approved my friend application? Am I not good enough?" (That was from someone who was insulted at having been kept waiting six hours.)

The last time I looked, a week ago, I had 756 "friends" on my list - mostly strangers - many of whom write in languages I don't understand: Chinese, Tagalog, Teenager, and Pokemon.

I got out a calculator and worked out that at the current rate of growth, my Facebook friends' list will encompass everyone in Asia in 7 months, and the entire population of the world less than five months after that, INCLUDING newborn babies, who will sign up on their way from the womb to the receiving blanket.

How exclusive is a social group which has every person in the world as a member?

No need to answer. Just roll your eyes.

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