Monday, November 30, 2015   

You can have a blast at home with beans and box of matches

Tuesday, February 04, 2014


A herd of cows emitted enough gas from both ends of their bodies to cause a big explosion, lifting the roof off their barn and starting a fire.

The odd thing is the female readers who forwarded that German news report to me had a "How bizarre and disgusting" tone, but the male readers' attitude was more like: "Cool, must try this at home." Conclusion: women are weird.

Still, let's be practical. Ladies, remember: NEVER leave your boyfriend or husband home alone with a can of beans and box of matches. The male "experimental chemistry" gene is surely responsible for most of the troubles on Earth, ie, the discovery of the atomic bomb, invention of the double bacon burger with cheese, etc.

Maths teacher Nur Aryanto of Jakarta had a question: "Since internal gases are highly flammable, could this be the real reason we're no longer allowed to smoke on planes?"

Well, Nur, smoking is banned on passenger flights, but people DO smoke on freight planes. Cargo pilots, never light up if you are carrying German cows or Indonesian maths teachers. The good news is we guys may soon be able to enjoy explosions at home without beans.

A company that makes the flush mechanisms inside toilet tanks is issuing warnings that they may explode. If the plastic thing inside your cistern is called Flushmate III, you should "stop using the toilet immediately," said the recall notice.

No advice is provided as to how individuals should "hold everything in" for the estimated two weeks it will take to replace the toilets.

Clearly, one must give up all liquids and foods. You'll die of starvation and thirst, but that's better than the embarrassment of queuing to use the toilet at McDonald's multiple times a day.

If your toilet isn't a Flushmate III, but your neighbor's is, you can show kindness and humanity by allowing access to your facilities - for only a small fee, payable in advance.

The Daily Mail said a single cow "emits enough gas to fill 400 liter bottles each day." I totally take my hat off to the researcher who measured this, risking a horrible death - not to mention major psychological trauma.

Farmers everywhere are being advised to ensure there are no naked flames in cow sheds. ALL cows who smoke (even nicotine-free cigarettes) have to go cold turkey IMMEDIATELY. A smoker I know recommends the Rubik's Cube as the best distraction for anyone trying to quit, but whether you can do it with hooves is another question.

One reader told me the world's chicken population has shot up to 19 billion, far overtaking the number of humans. This appears to me to be a strong argument against democracy, so let's keep this fact hidden from the government of China.

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